Amazed

Natalie is a month old today, and I find myself continually amazed by this little girl.  I know that I have always rolled my eyes a little when people say that you don't understand this or that or haven't really lived until you have children.  Like the only way to experience life to its fullest is to bring more lives into this world.  That may be the case for some people, but I never thought that was quite fair for those that could not or chose not to have children.  And I think that for me, at this point in our little family's life, I am having different experiences because of this little girl, but to some extent they are just exaggerations of thoughts and feelings that I have always had, but now I have a new perspective.  In fact, seeing the world again through her eyes is one of the things I most look forward to as she grows up.

 As the title suggests, I have found myself continually amazed lately at everything that has been going on in our little family.  First of all there is our little girl.  I am amazed at the fact that she is.  That my body knew how to make her and that she breathes in and out and is her own little person with ten fingers and ten toes and tiny working organs.  I am amazed that she has a little attitude and that certain things make her happy and certain things make her very unhappy.  I am in awe of the faces she makes and how much she can spit up.  I am amazed at the number of outfits she can dirty in one day without ever coming in contact with dirt.  Somehow she also knows when either she or I are freshly bathed and finds a way to cover one or both of us in milk or urine.  She keeps me on my toes guessing what would make her happy next, though we know each other well enough to know where to start the guessing game.

Natalie and her cousin Kendall

 I am amazed at the effect that babies have on people.  Everyone is asking about her, wondering how we're doing, wanting to spend time with her.  My sister joked that we are now the side attraction, but I think it's true.  Somehow, this tiny little person that can't do much besides eat, sleep, and dirty diapers captivates everyone.  Why is that?  Is it because babies are so needy, love to snuggle, and can't talk back?  Is it because of their soft skin and adorable coos?

 I am amazed at our abilities to take care of this little girl.  Neither Rick nor I would characterize ourselves as good with babies and people always say that it's different with your own kids.  That may be, but I also think the fact that she came out as a big baby and not a typical newborn size really helped us out.  She has never really seemed fragile and at least once a day I find myself saying, "Look at you, big girl!"  She has already grown out of a dozen outfits, which baffles me.  I see her every day and some days she does seem bigger, but I can't believe that she's growing already.  Again, I always hear people saying to enjoy the time when they are young because it goes so fast and I always thought that getting through the newborn stage couldn't go fast enough.  But then I see pictures of her when she still had that new baby smell and I tear up knowing she'll never be that small again.

 I am amazed at my body for a number of reasons.  How did it know how to make a baby, and how did it carry it so well for me for 9 months with little inconvenience to me?  I am amazed at its ability to provide sustenance for this kid.  Within two weeks of delivering, I was essentially back to my pre-baby size, which continues to amaze me; how did my body remember what size to be when I couldn't remember what that size looked like?  Equally amazing is the maternal instinct that came with this whole package; I don't know how I know what will calm her sometimes, but I do.  I'm not sure why I do some of the things I do, but I know somehow that they're right.  And I also don't know where the patience comes from to deal with her screaming fits, but I rarely get frustrated with her.  She may be the only person I have met that doesn't push my buttons.  Yet.

We're all learning together as a little family, but I am happy for the new perspective on old feelings, even if they come with less sleep.  The sense of wonder this little girl has provided for me in the past month is amazing within itself, and though I can't wait to see who she will become, I hope that she stays my little girl for as long as my heart needs to let go.